


Interview with Feanor

by narijeminie



Series: Feanor's Depression [1]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:06:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25359655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narijeminie/pseuds/narijeminie
Summary: This is part of my Feanor’s Depression series; this is an interview made by Olorin where Feanor tells his story to Nienna. This is unreleased and the contents are known only by Feanor, Nienna, and the producers (Eru too). This was done a year after Sam arrived in Valinor. Gandalf has been trying to get Feanor to agree for quite a while but due to scheduling conflicts, they weren’t able to do it until now.
Series: Feanor's Depression [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1836397
Comments: 10
Kudos: 17





	1. Confirmation and Preparation

**Author's Note:**

> First ever work in AO3;
> 
> Director: Eru Iluvatar (unseen, uncredited, mentioned)  
> On-site Director and Producer: Olorin (Gandalf)  
> Assistant Producers: Bilbo Baggins, Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee  
> Palantir Recorder (Cameraman): Samwise Gamgee  
> Transcript Writer: Bilbo Baggins and Frodo Baggins

Gandalf was with the hobbits in the hobbit hole found at the edge of Tirion, near the Forests of Yavanna. They were smoking pipeweed when a Maia of Namo appeared before them.

"This is strange; you never venture this far out, my friend." Gandalf said, seeing his good friend, Eruanno, in front of him.

"I come bearing you a great gift." Eruanno said, handing Gandalf a letter.

Gandalf stood up, took the letter and thanked Eruanno who bowed and left.

"What is it?" Bilbo asked as Gandalf eagerly opened the letter. He then cheered;

Bilbo, Frodo and Sam looked at each other.

"I must go and inform Lady Nienna; she will be glad to hear this," Gandalf left as he let the hobbits read the letter:

Dear Olorin,

Thank you for reaching out to me and for the invitation to meet. I look forward to our meeting.

Sincerely,

Feanaro

"Well, that's odd," Bilbo said.

"What do you mean?" Frodo asked.

"He just used his mother name and did not use any titles," Bilbo said.

"That's true; well, maybe centuries in the halls made him change," Frodo said.

"I wonder what will happen...would you like some tea?" Sam asked.

"Yes please," Bilbo and Frodo said.

The three hobbits entered the hobbit hole.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gandalf came running to the Halls of Nienna; he saw the sister of the Feanturi seated on a windowsill, looking out into the world.

"My lady, I am sorry for disturbing you. It has finally arrived; Feanaro has confirmed his presence," Gandalf said.

Nienna turned away and dropped her hood to look at Gandalf and smiled;

"You have longed for this for quite a while, Olorin; it has finally come to fruition," Nienna said.

"Yes, my lady." Gandalf said.

Gandalf then squared his shoulders;

"My lady, I have a request I wish to ask you," Gandalf said.

Nienna bowed her head to acknowledge him.

"Will you be Feanaro's interviewer?"

Gandalf could see that Nienna was taken aback.

"You see my lady, I will handle the preparation; I need to make sure everything is ready, that we have a good setting. It is too much work for me if I am the interviewer and producer. Please, my lady." Gandalf said.

"So be it; I will assist you in your endeavor. I truly hope this interview will heal the pain and suffering in his heart," Nienna said.

"Thank you, my lady. If you don't mind, may we conduct the interview in your garden? I hope to bring along the hobbits. Feanaro is curious about them and may be the reason why he agreed to this. They will also assist me," Gandalf said.

Nienna smiled at Gandalf, listening to him speak about the upcoming interview.

"If you need guide questions, I have prepared a list..."

Nienna let Gandalf lead her and teach her on how to conduct the interview, knowing that this is his project, not hers. She is glad to be part of it and at least help abate the anger and grief Feanaro has been keeping for centuries.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gandalf employed the help of the three hobbits; with their aid, he was able to borrow a palantir from Elrond who was given the keys to the House of Feanor by Nerdanel who resides in Mahtan's house. Elrond was curious as to what the three hobbits will do with the said palantir.

"I admit, I am suspicious of your actions," Elrond said, not wanting to hand over one of the few palantirs left in the House of Feanor.

"Don't be! We will use it well," Gandalf said.

"Fine; I want it back when you are done," Elrond said, handing the palantir over to Gandalf who thanked him.

After a few days, Gandalf brought the hobbits to the Halls of Nienna where Sam brought pots and pans.

"You will cook there?" Frodo asked.

"Mr. Frodo, a good interview needs to have food and drink. Besides, Mr. Gandalf said Mr. Feanor hasn't been out of the halls for centuries. He might be hungry," Sam said.

"Oh Sam," Frodo sighed fondly.

They entered the Halls of Nienna with Gandalf who seemed nervous all of a sudden. They tried to comfort him as they walked.

“So this is the Halls of Nienna,” Sam said, looking around.

“Yes; no one else lives here but my lady,” Gandalf said.

“Yet we’re here,” Frodo said.

“Only for this interview,” Gandalf said.

“How you got him to agree is beyond me,” Bilbo said.

“I told him he will meet you,” Gandalf said, smiling.

The hobbits gasped;

“So you used us and his curiosity to get him here; the problem is making him do it,” Frodo said.

“He might; we don’t know. Now, let’s prepare our setting,” Gandalf said.

Sam and Frodo prepared the chairs carried by Gandalf who brought them. Sam then brought out a blanket and spread it. Bilbo sat down and heaved a sigh. Frodo sat beside Bilbo as Sam brought out pots and pans. He looked around the garden.

"You can make whatever you wish, Mr. Gamgee,"

Sam gasped and bowed when they saw a lady appear. Frodo and Bilbo stood up and bowed as well.

"Do not bow, my dear ones," Nienna said, pulling the hobbits up and kissing their heads.

They looked at Nienna and saw a kind face looking at them. Her eyes were full of tenderness, it made the three hobbits comforted. Sam nodded to Nienna;

"Thank you, my lady." Sam got vegetables from Nienna's garden as Bilbo brought out some cake and the jug of wine given to them by Elrond. Frodo prepared the cups and some plates. He helped Sam get some twigs to start a fire with the help of Gandalf.

While the hobbits were eating and preparing some food, Gandalf was talking with Nienna. She noticed that Gandalf seemed nervous. She placed a hand on Gandalf's cheek. Gandalf smiled at Nienna.

"Thank you my lady," Gandalf said.

"I am ready when you are," Nienna said.

"I will call him then," Gandalf said, bowing and stepping out.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gandalf waited at the border of the Halls of Nienna, near the borders of the Halls of Mandos. He saw Eruanno walking beside a grey-cloaked Elda with unbound hair and a confident gait. When Gandalf and Feanaro looked at each other, Feanaro smirked;

"Greetings, Olorin; thank you for giving me this opportunity to stretch my bones," Feanaro said.

Gandalf bowed;

"I will leave you to him, Feanaro. I will fetch you here when you are done," Eruanno said.

Feanaro waved his hand; Eruanno bowed and left;

"It is not like I can leave; the keepers of the halls made sure that I can only pass these two halls; I cannot leave; also, don't mind Eruanno, he is a friend," Feanaro said.

"He too, is a good friend of mine." Gandalf said.

"Now I understand why Namo let me go...can you give me a moment?" Feanaro asked, stepping at the edge of the bridge that separated the halls of Mandos to the halls of Nienna.

Gandalf watched as Feanaro took a deep breath; he spread his arms and started shouting, " _Fairië! Fairië!_ ". Feanaro then turned to Gandalf.

"Come then; to meeting the ringbearers," Feanaro said.

"You are not imprisoned, Feanaro." Gandalf said.

"I know but this is the only time after my death that I was given the ability to breathe," Feanaro said.

Gandalf let Feanaro walk ahead; he analyzed the elf before him. He seemed to hold no worry in the world but Gandalf knew this was just a front to what is truly hiding in his heart. Though there seemed to be healing, the wounds are still there. Gandalf can still feel Feanaro's hurts and Gandalf wished that this interview will finally put Feanaro's spirit at ease.

Gandalf opened the door for Feanaro who saw the three hobbits squatting on the ground, smoking pipeweed and eating cake. He approached them and they were introduced. He was about to sit down and join them when he heard a voice; he looked up and saw Nienna seated on a chair up on a small hill.

“Feanaro, thank you for being here; please, sit with me,” Nienna pointed the chair in front of her.

Feanaro scoffed;

“It’s too late for pity;” Feanaro turned away from her.

“Better late than never,” Nienna said.

Feanaro was about to curse at the absurdity of her answer. He saw the hobbits huddled around Gandalf who stood at the door.

“What do you want?” Feanaro asked.

“Let’s have a chat, you and I; indulge me for a short while,” Nienna said.

After what seemed to be a long while, Feanaro went up the hill;

“Fine, I have nothing better to do anyway.” Feanor sat down in front of Nienna.

Nienna smiled at him;

"Before anything..." Feanaro stood up and approached the picnic blanket that had plates. The hobbits approached him in awe as he took the plate that had a slice of cake left.

"You can have it, my lord," Frodo said.

"I am not your lord...I am no longer anyone's lord." Feanaro said, thanking Frodo as he went up the hill and sat down.

The hobbits looked at each other;

“You can start whatever this is,” Feanor said.

“Start recording,” They heard Gandalf say to Sam who brought out a palantir while Bilbo and Frodo brought out papers and a quill.

“Interview with Feanor, take 1,”


	2. Compromise, Introduction and Question 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Feanor slowly opens up to Nienna; Gandalf is thankful that his interviewer is patient and brave enough to take on the challenge of making Feanor open up his feelings. Gandalf is also thankful that he did his research and prepared guide questions two ages before the interview. Finally, Gandalf is thankful for having the hobbits around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, Feanor is somewhat informal as this is not like a job interview but a conversation. Nienna tries hard not to act like the Valar but act like a listener who wants to know more about Feanor. 
> 
> There are parts here that might be canonically inaccurate due to me, putting artistic liberties here and there to make it more interesting for me to write. hehe!

Gandalf did not want to seem impatient as Feanaro was just eating cake. Nienna did not start asking questions, rather, she watched Feanaro with a soft smile on her face.

“This is delicious! Who made this?” Feanaro asked.

“The Lady Celebrian; she is the daughter of Galadriel whom you know as Artanis and she is the wife of Elrond Peredhil,” Bilbo answered.

Feanaro nodded;

“Tell her that this is delicious;” Feanaro said.

“May we start now?” Gandalf asked.

“I thought you already started;” Feanaro said, putting the plate on the ground beside him.

“Well, we could not start when you are eating,” Gandalf said.

“I thought you are here to feed me. You did not explain to me what this is all about, though,” Feanaro said, looking at Gandalf with a frown.

Gandalf sighed and approached Feanaro;

“Cut the recording, Sam; Let us make it seem that I am not here; the recording should only be about the interview.” Gandalf said.

Sam nodded and dropped the palantir on his lap.

“We are here to ask you questions; well, not me but my lady Nienna will ask you questions, and we will record your answers so others will know you better,” Gandalf said.

Feanaro stood up; Gandalf blocked him with hands up in a placating manner.

“You will record my answers and then share them to others who will judge my words according to what they think and believe instead of what it is. Also, why are you not the one asking me? How sure am I that she will just ask questions?” Feanaro asked.

Nienna stood up and placed a hand on Feanaro’s shoulder;

“I was asked to be your interviewer and I will do as I was asked,” Nienna said.

Feanaro looked at Gandalf with furrowed eyebrows.

“I need to make sure the ambiance is perfect, and this endeavor has two purposes; one, we are hoping it will help you; two, it will help us understand better.” Gandalf said.

“Help me? You have been counseling me for ages and it did not help me. I will not go through with this again.” Feanaro moved past Gandalf.

Nienna held Gandalf’s shoulder; Gandalf held Nienna’s hand; he was sad that he could not convince Feanaro to stay.

Meanwhile, the hobbits watched as Feanaro stood up and started talking with Gandalf.

“I think he is leaving,” Frodo said, seeing Feanaro walk down the hill.

“Oh no, he will not!” Bilbo stood up at the door;

Feanaro stopped in front of Bilbo;

“Stand aside, Mr. Baggins; I am leaving,” Feanaro said.

Frodo and Sam stood beside Bilbo;

“You cannot leave,” Bilbo said.

“So, you seek to keep me here against my will?” Feanaro asked.

“Of course not, sir!” Sam exclaimed.

“Please sir; Gandalf has been petitioning for this for ages. He has been longing for this moment to happen. Now that it is here, we will see it done until the end,” Frodo said.

“Besides, you are doing nothing in the halls of Mandos; take this moment as a chance to do something since you have nothing to lose anyway.” Bilbo said bluntly.

Feanaro looked at Bilbo who looked up at him with determination. Feanaro smiled then slowly laughed aloud. The hobbits looked at each other; after Feanaro stopped laughing, he sighed;

“I will do Olorin…Gandalf’s venture as thanks for letting me meet you; however, I do not want anyone else to hear my words or even know them,” Feanaro said.

Gandalf approached Feanaro from behind;

“So be it; we will not show anyone else the recordings and the transcript. We can opt not to record as is your right,”

“No, recording and writing is fine; just do not show it to others.” Feanaro said, approaching the hill.

Gandalf took a deep breath; he looked at the hobbits who heaved a sigh.

“Thank you, my dear friends,” Gandalf said.

They shook Gandalf’s hand. Frodo took the plate off the ground beside Feanaro’s chair as Feanaro and Nienna sat back down. Gandalf was guiding Sam to a better place, talking about a good angle that captures both Feanaro and Nienna without capturing Bilbo and Frodo who were seated below the hill with desks provided by Gandalf.

“Thank you for agreeing, Feanaro.” Nienna said.

“As long as you do what you were requested to, I will participate; but the moment you veer away from what you were asked to, I will leave.” Feanaro said, crossing his arms and looking away.

Nienna bowed her head; as Feanaro stood up to help Gandalf and Sam find a good angle, she thought about what she and Gandalf spoke about the previous day.

 _Flashback_

_“My lady, are you sure you need my help?” Gandalf asked._

_“This is your project, Olorin; I want to know your thoughts,” Nienna said._

_Gandalf nodded;_

_“First, you are there to interview Feanaro; therefore, you need to listen and be objective. Next, the heart of this interview is Feanaro, not us. Finally, you need to make him comfortable to open up to you. Do not try to pry his mind, my lady or this will never work. Let him speak for I know he will,” Gandalf said._

_“How confident are you that he will be comfortable with me asking questions? He does not like us,” Nienna said._

_“Well, that is the challenge we must overcome, my lady.” Gandalf said with a smile._

Nienna heard Gandalf call her attention;

“My lady, time to start;” Gandalf said.

Nienna nodded; she remembered the guide questions Gandalf gave her and when Gandalf asked Sam to start recording, she was ready.

“Interview with Feanor, take 2,” Sam said.

Feanaro looked at Nienna who took a deep breath. He was thankful that she put on an appearance of a young, Noldor elleth who was not past maturity, making him slightly comfortable. He could still feel her strong essence though she tried to lessen it.

“Before we start, let us introduce ourselves…I am Nienna of the Valar,”

She nodded to Feanaro;

“I am Feanaro, son of Miriel Þerindë and Finwë Noldoran; I was a king, prince, lore master, craftsman, and husband. I am a father to seven wonderful sons, a grandfather of seven, and a brother. I am a kinslayer and resident in the Halls of Mandos; there,” Feanaro said.

“You were once called Curufinwë; how come you no longer go by this name?” Nienna asked.

“Why should I be called that when I no longer make use of my skills? I am no longer skilled Finwe, I am just Feanaro.” Feanaro answered.

“I noticed the usage of past tense on certain aspects of yourself. Why is that?” Nienna asked.

“Obviously, it’s because I am no longer any of those things. I am not a king, who am I a king of? No one; I am not a prince as well; as I said before, I no longer make use of my skills in the halls so I am no longer a lore master and craftsman…and I am no longer a husband too,” Feanaro said.

“How do you feel about that?” Nienna asked.

Feanaro looked at Nienna sharply;

“I thought we agreed that there will be no counseling,” Feanaro said.

“I am not counseling you; I am just here to ask some questions and to provide a listening ear.” Nienna said.

Feanaro looked at Nienna;

“I feel sad…”

Nienna waited, seeing Feanaro open and close his mouth.

“It helped her; that is all that matters,” Feanaro said.

“What do you mean by that?” Nienna asked.

“It helped her be free of me…it doesn’t matter; I apologized for calling her an untrue wife. It’s done,” Feanaro said, waving his hand and crossing his arms.

Nienna felt Feanaro closing up again. Nienna looked at her lap, trying to remember what Gandalf said. She remembered Gandalf saying that she should make Feanaro comfortable and help him open up slowly. She thought of a question that might help.

“Out of all the aspects of yourself that you mentioned, which of them is your favorite?” Nienna asked.

Feanaro looked at Nienna with shock; he then smiled;

“I admit, I’m surprised…well, out of all of them, being an atar is my favorite,” Feanaro said.

“Why is that?” Nienna asked.

“It’s different, being a father; they make me feel different things but at the core of it, you know. You love them and they love you too…they loved me without reservations and without expectations. They helped me grow too. I was good at it too or I believe I was…” Feanaro said, looking away from Nienna.

Nienna smiled when she saw Feanaro smiling as he seemed to remember old days. His smile then froze; he looked at his hands.

“At the beginning anyway; but in the end, I ruined it.” Feanaro whispered.

“Why do you say that?” Nienna asked.

“It was because of me…a father should never let his sins affect his children. I did that, that was my final act in life and I regret it…I made them swear the Oath again. I let my anger at Melkor be the last feelings I let my sons feel instead of my love for them…Now, because of what I did, they are imprisoned with no hope of release.” Feanaro said. He looked at his clenched fists that were shaking.

Nienna handed a handkerchief care of Bilbo towards him. Feanaro took it with thanks and wiped the tears off his cheeks.

“They also committed crimes that cannot be overlooked, Feanaro,” Nienna said.

“I know…” Feanaro said, staring at Nienna with clouded eyes. He then stood up and looked ahead.

“I guess it is wishful thinking in my part that letting them feel how much I love them would have saved them,” Feanaro said, sitting back down. He looked at Nienna who remembered one of Gandalf’s guide questions.

“Is it all right if we discuss what happened in Arda then working back to the time you were here in Valinor?” Nienna asked.

“Which part do you want to discuss first? We already spoke about my death, do you mean to ask me about the ships?” Feanaro asked.

“You called yourself a brother…”

“Nolofinwe and I talked; I apologized for what happened; he forgave me. He would not be reembodied if we did not talk and we did not apologize to one another. Besides, I never hated them; they just say that because that is what they want to believe. They all believe that but it’s not that simple, is it? I never hated them; that was not the reason I burned the ships and he knows that.” Feanaro said, his voice rising.

“What was the reason then?” Nienna asked.

“I admit, I was being petty; he was calling himself Finwe Nolofinwe when I was the elder and the high king. It was at that moment I thought that there was some truth to Morgoth’s claims,” Feanaro said. Nienna heard a bit of a growl when Feanaro said Morgoth’s name.

“So, you burned the ships,”

“No! That was not the reason! At that time, I believed they would prove useless, that is why I burned the ships…there was no need for those who do not believe in me, the high king, to be in Arda. They doubted, not just myself but the goal, the need as to why we had to leave. There was nothing for us here but darkness and you, incompetent leaders who seek to keep us in Aman…Russandol, who wishes to be called that way, did not believe it; that we needed them…I should have listened to him but what is done, is done.” Feanaro said.

Nienna ignored Feanaro calling her incompetent;

“However, they followed you, albeit they were angry,” Nienna said.

“At least they were sincere with their feelings and themselves; I am glad I helped them realize that to make a move they should not doubt it.” Feanaro said nonchalantly. 

“Thousands died crossing the Helcaraxë…do you not care?” Nienna asked.

“Who said I did not care? Do not assume my feelings; yes, you might be powerful but do not dare assume my feelings and do not make it seem as though that is what I feel at that moment,” Feanaro said hotly.

“I apologize; I did not mean to ask you in that manner. I only meant to ask you what your feelings were,” Nienna said.

Feanaro glared at Nienna; after a few seconds, he answered,

“I already died by that time but ammë showed it to me in the halls,” Feanaro said.

“What did you feel when you saw it?” Nienna asked.

“I do not know; maybe…at first, I was shocked that they decided to continue but that was their decision. I know that I factored in it, they cursed me and were angry at me, as is their prerogative but then I thought, ‘finally’.” Feanaro said, looking up.

“Why ‘finally’?” Nienna asked.

“Because I thought they can no longer be angry; they should have been angry before but were not so I thought they were incapable of feeling such things; that is what we are made to believe in Aman. Do not deny it,” Feanaro said challengingly.

“I am neither agreeing nor denying that,” Nienna said.

Feanaro huffed;

“Nolo told me he was angry with me for burning the ships and was the foremost reason as to why he crossed the Ice. The second would be that he would not abandon our people to my rule. I think that only took the second place because he trusted Russandol,” Feanaro said.

At this, Nienna saw Feanaro smile at the mention of his eldest.

“At least I did something for them; I gave them purpose; that is to find me and kill me, though by the end, they were not able to kill me. It is funny actually, every goal the Noldor has, ruined by that fucking bastard. I was sure the thought of killing me entered their minds but they were not able to do it because Morgoth and his stupid lapdogs did so,” Feanaro said with crossed arms and legs. He leaned against his chair.

“They say that the moon gave them hope to continue forward,” Nienna said.

“That might be so, but they took a step because of me; though the thought was negative, it still mattered,” Feanaro said.

When Feanaro was busy asking for food, Nienna prepared herself for the next question that was close to her heart as a Valar. When Feanaro was handed a bowl that was filled with soup, Nienna asked,

“What did you feel when my brother pronounced your doom?” Nienna asked.

At this, Feanaro stopped swirling his soup to look at Nienna. His eyes then became dark. He stood up and looked down at Nienna who met his eyes. He spoke,

“ _Tears unnumbered ye shall shed; and the Valar will fence Valinor against you, and shut you out, so that not even the echo of your lamentation shall pass over the mountains. On the House of Fëanor the wrath of the Valar lieth from the West unto the uttermost East, and upon all that will follow them it shall be laid also. Their Oath shall drive them, and yet betray them, and ever snatch away the very treasures that they have sworn to pursue. To evil end shall all things turn that they begin well; and by treason of kin unto kin, and the fear of treason, shall this come to pass. The Dispossessed shall they be for ever._ _  
Ye have spilled the blood of your kindred unrighteously and have stained the land of Aman. For blood ye shall render blood, and beyond Aman ye shall dwell in Death's shadow. For though Eru appointed to you to die not in Eä, and no sickness may assail you, yet slain ye may be, and slain ye shall be: by weapon and by torment and by grief; and your houseless spirits shall come then to Mandos. There long shall ye abide and yearn for your bodies, and find little pity though all whom ye have slain should entreat for you. And those that endure in Middle-earth and come not to Mandos shall grow weary of the world as with a great burden, and shall wane, and become as shadows of regret before the younger race that cometh after. The Valar have spoken.”_

Feanaro placed the bowl on the chair and walked away.

“Wait, stop recording.” Gandalf said.

Sam stopped recording to look at Feanaro who looked out the window, taking deep breaths. He then walked to the door and went out. Gandalf followed him.

“Now hearing about the Doom, I think it is quite harsh.” Bilbo said, applying shading to his drawing.

“Uncle,” Frodo warned, looking at Nienna whose head was bowed;

“I am just stating my opinion, nephew,” Bilbo said.

“Poor Mr. Feanor…do you think he will come back?” Sam asked as he looked at the door.

“I hope so; he needs to clear things and get his point across. Now is the best time to do it.” Frodo said.

“All we can do is wait, my dear ones,” Nienna said, looking up at them.

The hobbits nodded;

“Would you like to eat some soup while waiting, my lady?” Sam asked.

Nienna curiously looked at the bowl Frodo handed to her. She thanked him and tried the soup. While eating, her mind was off, thinking about the past. She hoped Feanor would return and continue the interview.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Feanor tried to be open since he thinks that indeed, he has nothing to lose since he has nothing to do inside the halls.  
> ~Feanor has grandchildren aside from Celebrimbor, Elrond and Elros who he decided to adopt as his own grandsons. Caranthir has a daughter and a son and Celebrimbor has two sisters - one older and one younger. They are still in the halls of Mandos (only Nerdanel and Elrond are out of the halls of Mandos in the entire House of Feanor)
> 
> Updates will be done the next day. I hope you like this! Please comment and follow me in my Tumblr.


	3. The Grievances of Feanor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feanor goes off on Nienna and his grievances against the Ainur. Gandalf explains what happened to Valinor and Arda Marred outside the halls of Mandos. Feanor wants to sleep.
> 
> Shoutout to @djinmer4; I got inspiration to write this chapter through reading the story "Paime i Valaina". Do check this story out! :)

Gandalf ran after Feanor who was walking ahead of him briskly;

“Wait, Feanaro, where are you going?” Gandalf asked, worried that Feanor will leave the interview unfinished.

“Feanor! Come back here!” Gandalf exclaimed, running faster.

Suddenly, Feanor stopped and Gandalf almost bumped into him hadn’t he stopped running. Feanor turned to look at Gandalf with a frown.

“Will you calm yourself? I am not allowed to leave, remember? I just need time alone;” Feanor said.

“Right, I apologize; I will stay here,” Gandalf said.

“No, you ruined it. You can stay there,” Feanor said, approaching one of the windows. He took a deep breath.

“When I enter that room, I will utter words you will not like;” Feanor said.

“Whether we like it or not, you have the right to say it,” Gandalf said.

“Thank you,” Feanor said, returning to the gardens.

“Well, I will be! He is back!” Frodo exclaimed.

“It is not like I can leave easily, Frodo Baggins,” Feanor said, walking up the hill.

Nienna looked at Feanor who looked at her;

“I would like to clear things before I answer your question,” Feanor said.

Nienna bowed her head;

“I will say things that you will not like to hear but you will hear it all the same for this is an interview. I am not here to please you. I am here to answer your questions and you will listen and you will let me finish when I speak,” Feanor said.

“Of course,” Nienna said.

“Before I answer, I want to ask you a question,” Feanor said, sitting back down.

“Start recording,” Gandalf whispered to Sam.

“Do not worry, Mr. Gandalf, I am already on it,” Sam said, holding the palantir up.

He looked at Frodo who was writing as Bilbo was resting though was listening.

“Why were you created?” Feanor asked.

“At the beginning, we were created from father’s thought. When we entered Arda, we used our powers to shape the world and in that way, we combated Melkor’s evil. We are sent by our father to act as guides or elders that would help the Children of our Father. We are not created to be lords or ladies to be worshipped.” Nienna said.

“What else?” Feanor asked.

“What do you mean?” Nienna asked, confused by his question.

“When the Children arrived, we were supposed to be protected, am I correct?” Feanor asked.

“Indeed; we are prohibited from depriving the Children of free will, killing or using force against you or dominating you through displaying our powers for Melkor has done this,” Nienna said.

When Nienna said this, Feanor smirked;

“First, you say you would act like guides and that you were not created to be lords or ladies to be worshipped then how come you act as lords or ladies over us here? You seem to have forgotten your purpose,” Feanor said.

“No, we have not,”

“Really? Then how come you decide what happens in our customs? How come you factored in our laws? How come you had the final say when you are not our lords and ladies to be worshipped but as guides? I digress, that was not your question; you asked me what I felt about the doom set upon me and my people. I am angry, yes, until now I am because of your shamelessness. How dare you put the blame on me and my people when you were the ones who fucked up!” Feanor’s voice was rising; he took deep breaths to calm himself.

He looked at Nienna with fire in his eyes and saw her eyes well with tears.

“Do not misunderstand me; I am not angry with my punishment because I know I committed crimes; I stole the ships and I killed someone. I deserve my punishment; for any other reason, my anger towards the Ainur in particular, should not be part of my punishment.” Feanor said.

“It is not,” Nienna said.

“Let us go back, you said that you will fence Valinor against us, that you will not help us against the one you were created to protect us from. You only acted when the silmaril was taken to Valinor. You only showed your selfishness; you only had one purpose, to revive the Trees without even considering how destroying the silmarils would affect me. You do not know what I had to sacrifice just for them to be created…I guess, at least, one of us did our purpose when Eru created us.” Feanor said.

“Nay; we only wanted to give light, to give hope to the Children.” Nienna said.

“I do not find offense with you giving hope to the Children. I just find offense with the way you decide when to give hope and when to help. I find offense with the fact that you used the doom to justify the lack of help on the Children. You say that our lamentations will not be heard. In the first place, you never listened to the lamentations of the Children even within the confines of Valinor. I am sure that your brother would say it is my fault, my pride is the reason the lamentations of our people will go unheard. Are you that petty? You would turn away all lamentations just because of what me and my family chose? You bastards..." Feanor shook his head;

"I am sure your brother would say that he warned our people with the doom he spoke of. Why did we not turn back when Arafinwe did? You know why? Nobody likes to be caged! I felt angry that you did not act. I love my father and I wanted to avenge him. Morgoth took away one whom I love and the greatest work of my hands...It hurt..." Feanor paused, looking at his hands.

"You knew that the Children were suffering in Arda yet you waited until the last moment, you waited until the silmaril, the light of the Trees that you loved, was returned to Valinor to provide help. To me, that moment proved that you truly are Morgoth's kin. It was obvious that you only sent help because you wanted the silmaril too. I know you tried to destroy it to grow the Trees once more but it did not work because the hallowing rendered you unable to touch them too. However, even at the end, you still failed your task. You left his lackey to roam free in Arda to rule over the Children." Feanor said, shaking his head.

“We feared him; that is why we came too late. You were brave,” Nienna said.

“Or stupid,” Feanor said, looking away.

He relaxed when he saw the hobbits looking teary-eyed;

“I apologize, dear hobbits if I scared you,” Feanor said.

“No, it is fine; air out your grievances,” Bilbo said.

“Still, I am angry with the doom and disappointed in the Ainur. You see, I am not the only one who committed crimes that day; me and my family and followers know that we committed such crimes and we accepted our punishment. We know we deserve our punishment yet, we are not the only ones who committed crimes that day. There are those who committed crimes who still run free, they are unpunished and they do not even realize that they committed crimes and I am talking about you, the Ainur. Some of you killed Children of Iluvatar yet you say that you are prohibited from killing the Children and dominating over us through displays of power. Don’t act like you do not know what I am talking about…Uinen’s sinking of ships.”

“She only did that out of the request of the Telerin king and out of anger,”

“Still, she used her divine powers to kill my people; a crime has been committed yet she runs free and everyone still thinks we are the only ones at wrong. Every narrative is skewed against us but we are not the only ones at wrong. It makes me angry…” Feanor said.

Nienna wiped her tears; as Feanor leaned against his seat.

“So, you felt angry about the doom placed upon you,” Nienna said.

“Angry that others are still unpunished to this day and disappointed that majority of my people still have eyes closed,” Feanor said.

“Maybe our father let us have this interview so others will have eyes open,” Nienna said.

“I still have grievances against you, the Valar.” Feanor said.

“I know; I am hoping that this interview will help me understand you, the children better and I know that if there is someone the Valar has numerous offences against, it would be you, Feanaro. I hoped that by offering counsel, it would help you, however, I realize now that it is not the way it should be done. Olorin is correct in his opinion that talking to you, hearing your thoughts and feelings is the correct way to help you,” Nienna said.

“So this interview is a form of counseling?” Feanor asked, looking at Gandalf who raised his hands.

“Whatever you decide this is, that is it,” Gandalf said.

Feanor turned away from Gandalf, a small smile gracing his lips. Feanor shook his head and left his chair to go down to talk with the hobbits.

“I am hungry,” Feanor said.

“You eat while we sleep,” Bilbo said as Sam yawned, making Frodo yawn as well.

Feanor ate alone as the hobbits slept; Gandalf sat beside him.

“You are wrong in your assumption that those who committed crimes are running free, unpunished.” Gandalf said.

“What do you mean?” Feanor asked.

“It was during the Second Age when the world was changed due to the drowning of Numenor, a kingdom of Men. It was one of the most powerful kingdoms against Sauron, however, they were persuaded to follow Melkor. They gathered ships to come to Valinor and Manwe saw this and called for the help of our father and our father drowned Numenor, changing the world from flat to a circle so that no Man can enter Valinor,” Gandalf said.

“What?” Feanor asked.

“Do not worry, some were saved; those who remained Faithful were saved,”

“Even so! So they chose to set Thauron and Morgoth free to reign over Arda where the Children are powerless against them then they decide that they should be killed?! What utter madness!” Feanor shouted.

He looked at the hobbits who stirred in their sleep but otherwise, remained asleep.

“It would seem our father agrees with you. Those who agreed with Manwe in drowning Numenor and other crimes against the Children have been punished;” Gandalf said.

“In what way?” Feanor asked.

“Their powers are diminishing and as you know, we Ainur were created into being by Iluvatar’s thought. Some of us are drifting away from our father’s thought and what I mean by that is, some are turned into nothing, they no longer have being.” Gandalf said.

“I thought you were sent to Arda Hastaina by Manwe and Varda?” Feanor asked.

“They were weakened by then; they were hoping that by sending emissaries to guide the Children as is our original purpose, it will stop the weakening,” Gandalf said.

“However?”

“When I returned, they are shadows of themselves…some of my kin have vanished as well; some of them you might now, Uinen and Melian have vanished; Uinen, for the crimes she committed; it is true, she used her power to kill the Noldor. There was still crime committed and unlike you who acknowledge and accept punishment, she did not. Melian, for lording over the people of Doriath…” Gandalf trailed off.

"How come you are stronger? You feel stronger to me yet you say you are weakening,” Feanor said.

“You see, I died then; I was killed by a balrog of Melkor. The one who brought me back was our Father, as he is the only one who can; for I died, and the only one who can bring me back to life would be our Father and I was brought closer to his thought…that is why, Feanaro, we are having this interview,” Gandalf said.

Feanor frowned;

“So Eru is using me once more,” Feanor said.

“We all are his instruments;” Gandalf said.

“Well, I am thankful for this opportunity, yet, there are things I wish to talk about,” Feanor said.

“We still have a lot of questions…I prepared a lot of them, actually,” Gandalf said.

Feanor chuckled; Nienna came back. Feanor looked at her.

“Olorin told me what has transpired outside the halls; I guess that is also the reason why my amme is able to come and go as she pleases in the halls,” Feanor said.

Nienna smiled and sat down in front of them. She could feel that Feanor was more comfortable now compared to before.

“Indeed,” Nienna said.

“Since I understand that you will ask me from the moment of my death then earlier, I understand that the next question would be what was going on in my mind when I committed the kinslaying,” Feanor said.

“Wait! Go back to your chairs!” Gandalf exclaimed.

“We are not starting the interview, Olorin! Sit down and let the hobbits sleep…you know, I never sleep in the halls for we do not need it. Now, I wish to try; I miss the feeling of it,” Feanor said, lying down beside the hobbits.

Gandalf waited then saw Feanor’s eyes glazed over.

“May you have good dreams,” Gandalf said, smiling at Nienna who smiled back.

“He is correct when he said we have forgotten our purpose;” Nienna said.

“Not you; you have always been a lady who brings mercy and courage,” Olorin said.

“Thank you for thinking that, Olorin; however, I know I could have done more,” Nienna said.

“We all could have done more, however, it is true, our fear of him was stronger; we failed them but we are trying, we are learning and we are seeking recompense from the mistakes we committed against them. Do not lose heart, my lady. I know this interview will provide us a new perspective and a hope that the hurts we dealt will slowly be cured,” Olorin said.

Nienna smiled, watching over the sleeping children of Iluvatar. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Feanor curses; dude went off!  
> ~With regards to the silmaril and the Valar unable to use it, it will be explained in the next chapters with regards to Varda's hallowing.  
> ~Uinen sunk ships of Feanorian followers due to her anger at the deaths of the Teleri in their hands. Feanor is of the mind that yes, he is punished, it is deserved. He knows that but still, a crime has been committed, she killed Noldor, therefore, she must be punished too. Nowadays, that is equivalent to crime of passion. basically, she committed a crime and she was not punished for it, that is why Feanor is angry.  
> ~ Arda Hastaina is Quenya for Arda Marred  
> ~ Eru somewhat agrees with Feanor that the Ainur have shortcomings and that the blame and punishment should not be wholly placed on his Children.  
> ~ I wanted something light to counter the beginning of the story so Feanor tries to sleep and he did fall asleep! 
> 
> Look forward to the next; aside from the kinslaying, he will talk about what he felt when he found out Arafinwe turned back. hmm...

**Author's Note:**

> Fairië - Quenya for freedom
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: narijem


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